Book 3 - "Healing From An Accused Life – About Pinger" - (c:) August 2024

“Healing From An Accused Life – About Pinger” -By: The Accused - Main Site - Onion Site 1 - Onion Site 2

When I first met Pinger, it was Mid-February 2018 while shopping in a Duluth, MN grocery store where she worked as a front cashier. Pinger had a fun bubbly personality everybody liked. Plus, she knew where to find many items throughout the store and, was quite helpful with her customer service too. So in appearance, she was about 5ft 2in, short blond hair, blue eyes, pear shaped body, light skinned and in her late 30’s.

So every time I went to this store, I always hoped to see her working. However, I feared conversing with her believing she’d have no interest in talking to me and, I was afraid of being rejected and feeling stupid afterwards. Thus, I kept to small talk and said very little to her at check out. Then after that February, I didn't shop much at this store. For I believed my interest in Pinger was pointless to pursue. Thinking that my personal, legal and probation issues would scare her away and I’d further embarrass myself. And also, I didn’t want to keep reminding myself of what I believed I couldn’t have.

into the store all-the-while, hoping under nervous excitement that we would cross paths and begin talking. Then eventually, I caught up with her in the Produce Dept where we said hello and spoke for an hour while standing there. Likewise, we shared our names and got to know each other and finally towards the end, we exchanged phone numbers and continued conversing on the phone until 2am that evening. So in that time frame, I felt happy and elated that I actually got to meet and talk with her. Thinking, I finally met a lady I could talk to and get to know better after not having one for such a long time since my legal stuff started.

So while I was getting know Pinger, I found her to be an open minded and kind hearted smart lady who was easy to talk too. Plus, I felt she was very pretty and an over all good person. As such we clicked in many areas and, we had a lot in common as well. To me, she seemed like a cool-headed and well kept lady. Then eventually I found myself wanting to hear more to even, falling in love with her too.

Now as my romantic relationship with Pinger progressed, I learned she went to a local Duluth Luthern church and held a position as their Church Council President. Then later during our relationship, she dropped that so she could focus more on her new job as an Admin Assistant for a local thrift chain store.

Now Pinger for the first few weeks after we met was beautiful and kind towards me. As such I grew to like her a lot and, I developed deep feelings for her too. For again, I loved how calm and cool headed she was. So for me, I finally felt like I met the right person who seemed perfect for my life. Especially, after all the evil $h!t that happened to me from Cookie, Honeydew and their family. Thus I thought, here's a lady who actually cares about me. And, I felt like I belonged and was important to her too. Again we shared many similar interests in food, faith and social activities. It was like being on “Cloud 9” and getting a breath of fresh air each time I was with her.

So not long after we met and during an in-depth phone conversation, I told Pinger about my legal situation, harsh probation terms and being in Sex Offender Treatment. As such, I spoke of my innocence and that I was forced to plead guilty under emotional duress to the county prosecution’s BS law-fair games. Then after, I spoke of how it all effected my daughter, my family and myself. Plus, I even recall sobbing on the phone while speaking with her too. Finally at the end, Pinger said I was very brave for telling her and added she was glad I was honest with her too. So from this night long phone call, she and I grew further in our relationship.

And so over the course with Pinger, I got to meet her family (ie her parents and two older sisters) with her being the youngest. And, I even went to church with she and her family too. Then when the 2018 Holidays came up, I got to celebrate that with them as well. However a month or so earlier, my family and Flower met Pinger at my parents’ home during one evening dinner.

Now during my relationship with Pinger, we did a lot together and went to many different places and parks near and in Duluth. So for the most part in the beginning, we got along well as a couple and had lots of fun too. However, we also argued a lot later on as well. And primarily, she did more than I. Thus often times, I would try to deescalate the issues by not arguing back and just listening. Yet, she would press further with my cooling efforts failing despite it. And as such, this is an area I find very difficult to write on. For I wish it wasn't true. Though sadly, it is.

After the first three plus weeks of meeting Pinger, her behaviors towards me steadily became more argumentative, controlling and pushy. To even where she’d say hurtful things like, you sick f#ck!ng a$$hole and or, you stupid f#ck!ing pr!ck or etc and then, sometimes she’d lash-out at me in a raging rant for a while afterwards. So when Pinger was like this then, anything spoken would set her further off. And in fact, her nastier violent behavior towards me didn't start until a month plus after we met. Thus, I found it to be very scary and disturbing to be around. I didn’t know what to think of it. Nor, did I ever tell anyone about it either. However, I continued staying with her and putting up with it thinking and believing she’d soon change for the better. Yet that never happened and instead, she just got worse and became more critical of how I was as a person. And if I made a mistake or had an accident around her, she’d be the first to quickly call it out in her frustration. Even if it happened when out in public with her too. As such, it got to a point to where we couldn't go anywhere without her blowing up at me while midway through being or, traveling to get there. And often times, I felt like I had to walk on eggshells so as not to not to p!ss her off. Whence basically, Pinger frightened the heck out of me and I just put up with it. All-the-while hoping, she would change for the better. Yet sadly, she didn’t.

Then on a Mid-November 2018 Saturday afternoon, I broke up with Pinger and that lasted for about a week afterwards. Plus, I even remember calling my Mom to tell her about it too when it happened. Then almost a week later at my Sex Offender Treatment Session with my therapist, she told me Pinger had called her voicemail on the Sunday Evening after to report me as being verbally abusive towards her during an argument. Thus, my therapist and I discussed it and I stated I wasn't behaving and speaking that way with her. To then adding, I’d be bringing this up with Pinger being she and I were on talking terms again by this time frame. Furthermore as I think about this situation today, I even recall my younger sister saying Pinger was a “Snake-In-The-Grass" after I told her about everything that happened in that week too. And, my sister is not one to hold back on speaking her mind either.

And just as mentioned before, a week after I broke up with Pinger in that November, we then talked about it and got back together again as a couple. For she apologized for everything and we seemed okay from then on. However below our relationship's surface, it really wasn't. Because during the following week after we got back together, Pinger went right back to behaving like she was before. So from that point on, I kept privately wondering what or, whom, caused her to be this way in the first place.

Now at a 2018 Christmas Sunday Church Service, I shared a brief conversation with Pinger's oldest sister. So at that time, it was just she and I sitting in the sanctuary pew waiting for the rest of their family to return for the start of service. Thus, I told her oldest sister about how Pinger and I met and how I felt and she was happy to hear it. Then, I talked about a few of the struggles Pinger and I were working on and she stated her understanding. To then adding Pinger’s life while growing up at home was quite tough at times too. And so, her oldest sister didn't say much more about it. However, she did point out Pinger was involved in a difficult situation with a bad boyfriend down in Minneapolis, MN some years ago. Then, she stated their Dad went down and rescued her from it. So basically, their Dad helped Pinger move back to Duluth to be away from the bad ex-boyfriend. Then she commented, "Pinger doesn't really know how badly she is hurt by that." Again, not much else was shared after and I didn't ask for it either. For out of respect of their privacy, I felt it wasn't my business to know. Plus, I had my own Sex Offender Probation situation too. Yet later on through their family grape-vine, I learned this bad ex-boyfriend tried to get Pinger into sex trafficking. Perhaps it was even her oldest sister who told me this as well too.

So despite my being a registered sex offender on probation and in treatment at this time frame, only Pinger and her then lady church pastor knew about me. For Pinger kept this private from her family and friends at the time. Plus, I also suspect her choice to do so was based on her heavy past in Minneapolis too. For Pinger could have seen me as the opposite of her bad ex-boyfriend. One, who supported her desire to be a "strong willed women" and two, was a lot kinder than he was.

Now throughout the rest of my relationship with Pinger from Late December 2018 to an Early April 2019 Friday Evening when it finally ended, I had my suspicions that she was abused and raped by this bad ex-boyfriend too. I even remember once asking Pinger about it but, she denied that and stated it didn't happen. However, I do recall her angered outbursts towards me said otherwise. And despite her troubled past, Pinger always wanted to maintain a "Strong Willed Women" persona as she so often inclined to claim and, she would never admit or show weakness either. Whence by how Pinger was while being critical and verbally and physically abusive towards me, I gathered her parents were like this with her too during her growing up years. Thus sadly, they probably raised her to be like this.

Then during her family's 2018 Christmas Day party at her parent's home, I observed her Mom being rigidly critical of Pinger at the dinner table. To where she corrected Pinger on everything she said and did. And even her Dad chimed in on her too. So in the meantime, Pinger just sat there quietly while looking confused and taking this from them. However as I sat next to her, I felt astonished and angered by how her parents were treating her. Whence at one point, I recalled myself wanting to say something to them. Yet, I held my tongue and didn’t. For they were absolutely shameful towards her! Even both her sisters and their families at the table witnessed this too. Then later on during a discussion with Pinger after we left, I told her that they p!ssed me off and she didn't deserve that. So all-in-all, this recalling added to my understanding on where Pinger got her anger issues from. Because her parents treated her like absolute $h!t! Then of course, she’d brush it off in denial like it never happened.

During an Early April 2019 Friday Evening after a bad argument with Pinger in her home, I decided I had enough with her abusive mistreatment of me. For she was being physically and verbally abusive towards me and wouldn't stop. Thus in feared haste, I abruptly decided to leave with her chasing after me on foot while threatening to hit me. To even doing so as I was getting into my car and starting it up to drive away. For at that time, she was angrily pounding on my driver side window and trying to push it down so she could hit me there too. And so, Pinger was scaring the hell-out-of-me with her out-of-control raging anger! Then crazy enough, she shows up at my house door on the following Saturday morning and acting like Friday evening never happened. Nor, did she ever apologize or mention it either. So I asked her leave and she refused several times until I finally threatened to call the police. Then she complied and left shortly after with no further incident.

So again on that Friday evening, I had enough and broke up with Pinger. Her craziness was way too much for me! Plus, I feared my staying with her would lead me to more legal troubles too. For her angered outbursts and violent attacks with her fists at me had no limits. Whence, she just did it whenever she was p!ssed off at me. And this happened whether in her home, mine or out in public. Thus, it all still amazes me that no one else saw what she was doing and called the police on us. Because her behavior was totally insane!

Now after I broke up with Pinger, I felt emotionally hurt about it for quite a long time afterwards – to even leading into some years too. Plus, I blamed her and myself for everything that happened as well. For so often while with her, I wished she would get therapeutic help. But she didn't. Instead, Pinger believed she could just fix herself. And so despite my not being with her again after we broke up this second time, I still found myself missing her a lot at times too. Then in my own paranoia resulting from my legally accused past, there were times I even believed she was put in my life by the legal system thugs to ruin me. All because I plead guilty and the thugs didn't get to put me in prison for many years like they originally wanted. However I will state here again, that there was quite a few times I did wonder if she was actually placed in my life as a CI (Confidential Informant) operative for the legal system against me. All to try and get me charged and in trouble again. For after all, her harsh behaviors towards me and then, once reporting me to my therapist early on during our relationship, is quite the strong evidence that could potentially lead to that wondering.

Now a few plus years later while, hand washing dishes at home and listening to soft music, I was thinking about Pinger again. And then it dawned on me why she was acting the way she was when we were together. For its because she was indirectly showing me the pain and suffering she received from her troubled past by those who hurt her. And as such, she was acting out all the harmful behaviors and etc that was done to her. So whether these came from her parents or, the bad ex-boyfriend in Minneapolis, she was doing them to me and, not in any specific order. Thus for that moment I paused my kitchen dish washing and, I started crying at my thoughts about her. To then picturing what that looked like as it was happening to her too. And so, I can't even begin to imagine all the horrible fears and shame she felt from it. To include, probably feeling trapped with no way to escape! Whence to put it simply, she was calling out for help while we were together. Yet at that time, I didn't understand. Plus, I am guessing she didn't either. More so, she probably felt used and abused emotionally, mentally and physically by them too.

Then not long after that dish washing moment, I couldn't stand at my kitchen sink anymore. So I went to my bedroom and sat on my bed all-the-while, thinking about this happening to Pinger. It was overwhelmingly sad and humbling in my realization of this going on with her. So in a way, its no wonder why she’s messed up both mentally and emotionally. Plus, this is most likely permanently seated in her mind too. Whence its not surprising why she desired to outwardly portray a "Strong Willed Women" persona. Because she feared appearing weak, to making a mistake and then, being vulnerable in front of others. Including me, while we were together as a couple.

However, I must also point out that this recognition does not excuse Pinger’s harsh and mean spirited behaviors towards me either. For she did hurt me and, I also felt long term traumatizing effects after I broke up with her too. Thus having to leave her was a difficult and painful choice I had to make and accept. Then many times since, I have wished things were better between us and I didn't have too. Whence to this day, I still find it sad and heart breaking that we ended this way. Yet, I also couldn’t continue to live in fear and have my safety and property threatened by her either. So to state here again, Pinger really did mentally and emotionally hurt me a lot and, it lasted for quite a few years afterwards too.

Now, I do also recognize that anger and fear primarily controlled Pinger’s life. For she held onto them like a safety blanket and a ready-to-use defense mechanism too. All to fight off a troubled past and the fears of it happening to her again. Plus I even remember Pinger calling these her “angries” when she felt very tired and moody or, her “hangries” when she was overly hungry and needed to eat. Additionally, she once told me that she felt like she couldn’t change who she was and that this was all she knew how to do and be. And as such, this fed her defeatist attitude and kept her stuck inside it. Perhaps to it even comforting her too.

So in retrospect, when I reflect on the aspects about Pinger’s parents, I can only conclude that they are the evil f#ck!ing monsters whom desired their own selfish interests over her’s – ie their youngest daughter. For in my opinion, they’re the ones responsible for raising her wrong, treating her like $h!t, setting her up for failure and then, teaching her to be nasty towards other guys in her life. To which, gave cause for me to leave Pinger due to her continual hurtful behaviors towards me. And so, I feel very sorry for Pinger that she has them for parents.

And to you Pinger, I don’t hate you despite the fact I acknowledge your continued disgust and hate for me to this day. For in fact, I forgive you and your family and I pray you are doing well despite everything that happened to you. And again, its just too bad your parents mentally and emotionally hurt and wrecked you like they did. For they really did set you up for failure later on in your adult life. So, I truly hope you find the truth of positive life changes that lead to healing away from all your tough troubled past too.

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